Thursday, April 21, 2011

Obvious oblectation...

Email doing the rounds; most of it is stuff rehashed from similar messages of different countries and governments over the years but ALL of it is true enough and funny...and would probably work! Addressed to David Cameron:"Please find below our suggestion for fixing England's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan, you can call it the 'Patriotic Retirement Plan': there are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force: pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire: ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car: ten million cars ordered - car industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage: housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university: crime rate fixed [ahem...]
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week - and there's your money back in tax etc
6) [edited out by Ows...clearly not in the same vein and added on by some Green activist]

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances"
Also: Grumpies of the World Unite: let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home; this way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell and they would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing such as shoes, slippers and pajamas would be free, on request; so would legal aid! Private, secure rooms for all with an exercise outdoor yard and probably with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

Conversely, the criminals would get cold food and be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off woudl be at 8pm with showers once a week. They'd live in a tiny room and pay hundreds of pounds each week for the privilege...and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION: they keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq; why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS: the real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians because it creates a hostile work environment!
[And finally the 'please send on' bit of this type of message]
"Think about this: if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!"

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